Surviving divorce

Divorce is a modern phenomenon....certainly my grandmothers' generation would rarely have divorced and even for my mother's generation, divorce was not really an 'option'.

Nowadays, it is bizarre if one stays married.

I know few people who have actually stayed together through the trials and tribulations that is a marriage.

Sharing one's life with another person, can be challenging, but it is also beautiful, rewarding and often brings the great joy of children.

When a marriage ends, it does not only end an era of our lives, it also rips away the core of everything that has been, could have been and would have been.

It takes with it, our dreams, our aspirations, our identity and hardest of all our faith.

Even if there has been no reason to lose faith, somehow we just do.

I separated from my children's father over 12 years ago and we divorced 9 years ago, but I still feel the effects even now.

As my children grow and prepare to move into adulthood, I look back and realise the sadness that still lingers for all that I missed, all that I believed in and all that I thought would be.

As I awaken and enlighten, I know that this was part of my journey and part of the journey of my children and of their father, but that doesn't stop me realising that there is still pain stored deep within my heart.

When we separated and later divorced, we both made every effort to stay a family for our girls. We spent Christmas together and tried never to argue or say nasty things in front of the girls. We didn't argue over possessions and we never set foot in a court....so from the point of view of divorce, it was 'a good divorce'.

So, why then, 12 years later, do I still feel so heartbroken?

When someone dies, it is final. It is immensely painful, but there is a closure. We receive support and love and are given space to cry and talk through our grief....but not with divorce.

Divorce is an ongoing process, one that drags up the feelings of shame, failure and disappointment, time and time again. It reminds us like a stab in the heart of everything that we didn't do, could have done and should have done…. and it doesn't end.

If we are the perpetrator of the divorce then often we are seen as 'the bad guy'. There is judgement and criticism, which can last years, and this simply serves to reinforce the feelings that we 'a failure', are 'bad' or not 'loveable'.

For a woman there is a constant question of, 'Will I ever meet anyone again?'

We lose our faith and there is no outlet for this agonising pain that comes with such loss.

Often we are dealing with children and all our energy goes into making the process as painless as possible for them, and so we simply bury our pain.

But the pain is still there and comes out when we see, speak to, or even think about our ex....because we are heart broken, but we have no way of dealing with the pain and so it becomes anger, frustration, depression, anxiety, worry or fear.

It is for this reason that it is so hard to have 'good' contact with someone with whom we once shared all our dreams, hopes and faith.

It is this loss of faith that is so desperately sad and so painful, for it is this that then taints our relationships with everyone else and everything else in our lives.

It is as if the 'joy' has been sucked out of us. We have lost our trust in life.

When we lose our trust in life, we forget the truth of who we really are.

In our detachment, we forget that we can never be anything but connected, even to our ex.

In our loss, we forget that we are souls that have come to have the human experience.

In our anger, we forget that those who hurt us the most, are giving us the opportunity to uncover the lessons that we came into learn.

In our loneliness, we forget that we are connected to everything and to everyone and that we can never be alone.

In our confusion, we forget that we are not 'bad, not a 'failure', not 'unlovable'.

In our fear, we forget that we are in fact all beautiful and perfect, just as we are.

In our disbelief, we forget that we are all trying to learn, trying to wake up, trying to understand this human journey....and so we forget that true love is unconditional.

When we remember that we are all part of this wonderful thing called life and that we are all here to learn...then we can once again remember that there is no reason to feel anger, to feel sad, to lose faith.

Perhaps then we can remember to love the person that we once loved albeit with a different love and maybe we can remember to love ourselves once again too unconditionally.

If you are going through divorce or separation and would like to talk, please get in touch for a free online consultation.

May we all live in love and love in life.